Just… wait. (A Note for Difficult Seasons)

When life feels chaotic and consumed with anxiety, but you long for peace…

Satan tells me that I will be stuck in this anxiety for the rest of my life. “It will never get better. This is how it’s always going to be. This feeling of panic will never go away, and you will feel this way the rest of your life.” This thought in itself produces MORE fear and anxiety. My anxiety makes me feel like I am near drowning, struggling to keep my face above water. I feel as if one slip–one weak tread–will be the death of me. And the idea that I will be stuck here for the rest of my life, never reaching solid ground again, stirs up a hopelessness and dread of the future. I feel scared.

I pray for deliverance from this constant state of anxiety. I wish that God would pour His peace over me like a weighted blanket. I wish He would quiet my mind and calm my body. I can imagine His peace covering me–my shoulders relaxing, the weight off my chest, my eyes closing. My breath would slow down and my heartbeat wouldn’t seem so loud anymore. I pray that God would erase anxiety from my DNA–that I’d never have to feel this way again. 

For several weeks–maybe a couple months even–I keep hearing about “periods of waiting” in Sunday School, church sermons, podcast episodes, and Bible passages. I asked God, “What are you trying to tell me? Aren’t we always in some sort of waiting season? Why does this keep coming up?” 

I reflected and I prayed and I listened and I journaled and I made lists, asking God for clarity–what season of waiting IS this? What am I supposed to be waiting for exactly? 

I’m waiting to grow a family with Grant. I'm waiting for the germs to simmer down and the frequent illnesses to pass. I’m waiting for summer–for warmer weather, to go outside and feel the sunshine. I look out the window and wait for the sun to come out. I long for the busyness of spring to be over. 

And I’m waiting for the anxiety to end. 

Sometimes when I’m reading a book, I struggle to get through a chapter. It’s a difficult part, or the plot isn’t moving as quickly. I really have to power through, so I can enjoy the rest of the book. 

It feels like the past 5 years are a chapter in my book, and this chapter is titled Anxiety. I’m desperately waiting for this chapter to be over, so I can begin the next. It feels as if this is just a season of my life, that I’m waiting to end. Please, let this be the last page… 

While our periods of waiting also consist of many (seemingly)-smaller parts (like a baby and summertime), the response is the same. I am commanded to trust and obey. Trust in His promise and faithfulness. Trust in His timing. Trust in His will for my life, and that He will take care of me. “All things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” I must be obedient, even in the mundane. Respond to my convictions. Bring everything to Him in prayer. Say yes, even when it feels scary or uncertain. 

And I know that God is WITH me. He is by my side, sitting on the couch next to me. He doesn’t promise deliverance from my struggles right here, right now, in the moment. But He reminds me that He will never leave me or forsake me. I can rest, knowing that I am not alone, ever. 

So in this period of my life, this chapter that I’ve titled anxiety, God asks me to just… wait. Just wait here with Me. I’m here–just stay for a moment and wait with Me. 

I pray to feel His presence, and here He is. I know that this season is not forever. Satan brings nothing but false truths. His lies seek to destroy me, but I am protected. I am anointed and blessed. I have a friend–a father–who safeguards me. And that brings me peace. 

Avery has learned to define patience as "waiting without whining" and I too, am reminded of what it means to be in a season of waiting and how I'm called to respond.

-M